Don’t Ask Just Run
Posted on June 15, 2018
Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today around these glowing LED screens to celebrate the life and tribulations of a brave group of adventurers. A simple band of merry souls, perhaps, but one which was ill-fated no matter what destinies we desired. Hark and stay awhile as I tell the tale of how we boldly stepped forth into the mysterious and frequently shifting environment of the Black Pyramid of Karavakos.
Bravely (perhaps foolishly) and habitually leading from the front was Krieg, a Half-Orc Berserker who swung his bladed chain with equal stoicism and well-timed fleshy barricade against our foes' depredations; Dendra, Avenging Hamadryad whose fierce countenance instilled fear into any who touched her Axe (regardless of how voluntary the contact was conducted); Ulvross, a Barbarian Dwarf with a stout heart despite his mightily cursed hammer of doom (and who was usually floating up to his back teeth with ale); with the laggardly Gideon, the Half-Elven Cleric who rarely drew a sober breath, but would inevitably henpeck anyone within earshot like an overbearing Auntie; Dana, the Shaman, Half-Elven who displayed many disparaging looks which could graduate to a facepalm, yet this disguised her quick, dry wit which had devastating repercussions; and lastly, often attempting to slide through trials of wit and battles of brawn unnoticed, Kianara, the mysterious Drow Assassin whose stiff upper lip and scornful looks belied her prowess with Shadow and Blade.
Unfortunately for Kianara, the Dice Gods & Goddesses did not do well. Frequent was the miscast throw and fall of the die which resulted in an astray blade or arcane power drawn from the depths of the darkness, and brought about that dastardly 1 on the d20 which resulted in killing blows upon her compatriots and conspirators. Long was the dirge of those who our lady had slain, regardless of whether she wanted to or not.
Previously, one of our fallen companions with an optimism welling from a bottomless source (cursed ring) had stepped forth to kick in a door, which resulted in a trap striking a mighty blow against Dendra. Predictably, that did not sit well with her at all, and certain consequences were inflicted upon that luckless individual. After many hilarious and nail-biting sessions, we eventually stumbled upon a small corridor filled with cowardly bandits who refused combat and beat a rapid retreat, firmly shutting the door during their flight.
As our frontline hefted their weapons and prepared for battle, Kianara stepped forth with her finely-tuned fae senses, light fingers, and hard-worn experience, and attempted to find any traps on the door. The die flew through the air... and did not land as a 1!
Beaming, Kianara turned to the Dungon Master.
"You do not find the trap on the door," he announced to her in a deadpan voice.
"I shift to the side of the door," she carefully stated.
We had a rather healthy level of paranoia at this point. Ulvross pumped his mighty thews and rushed forth, dauntlessly crying out, "I kick in the door!"
"You trigger the trap!" pronounced the creator of our world.
Kianara looked upon Ulvross with a palpable layer of satisfaction. A layer so thick you could carve it and spread it on toast.
"Upon either side of the door, murder-holes open up, and boiling oil pours down upon those beside the ... door. Kianara is badly scalded by this outpouring of incredibly hot liquid splashing all over her."
If looks could kill, the swift change from misplaced vindication to cold, silent, fury from Kianara would have obliterated our DM to the very soles of his feet. Certainly, he visibly cringed.
Ulvross paused for a moment, carefully considering his next utterance. "What do I see through the door?"
Glad of the distraction from Kianara's glare, our DM swiftly replied, "Oh, you can see the bandits gathered around in the T-intersection in a short corridor after that door."
Ulvross then made the following statement which left us in tears and peals of helpless laughter. "Right then, I bolt down that corridor and make a swift left when I reach the corner, continuing to run past those guys while saying, 'She's pissed off! Don't ask, just run!'"