I Can Fix It

Posted on November 10, 2017

Thus begins one of the many odes to Boulder, the short-lived Warforged. A while back, I had a friend (and roommate) who DM'ed for us. This was my first time playing D&D in years, my last experience being a Ranger. Since I knew every DM was different, I decided to play modestly to get a feel for the terrain of our table. Being the humble person I am, I created a monotonous Warforged Warrior named Boulder that sought to better understand mankind by flaying his foes and wearing their flesh. He lived by the metaphor, "Walk a mile in their skin." Boulder could not compute metaphors.

Anywho, one particular outing had our party discovering an Elven noble fleeing from a clan of Orcs. Without hesitation, our goody goody Paladin charged to the rescue, nuking all evil within his reach. Our Warlock played it sly and cast from afar while our Runeblade just sorta… runebladed things. Our Druid was the DM's very young son, so he was basically shape-shifted into a bear with spikes coming out of its face (as seen on the Discovery Channel).

Did I mention Boulder had an aversion to conventional weaponry? Well, he had an aversion to conventional weaponry. His favorite weapon was a bale of hay. Alas, that is a different tale.

Once the Orcs were nice and corpsified, we noticed that the Elven noble was well on his way to pushing daisies and eternally dreaming of wearing flowers in his hair. He was in the negs, grasping for a miracle.

Boulder loved to help people. Boulder knew Medicine! The gears in his head started turning, and he hatched a brilliant scheme to save this poor flesh being. He promptly pulled out a hammer and screwdriver and rolled a natural 20 for Medicine, and would have effectively murdered the Elven noble, had our DM not stopped the slaughter by hinting that our Runeblade put a ward over the Elf at the exact moment Boulder's hammer hit pay dirt.

Boulder had many more tales. These tales culminated in him being curb-stomped by an Orc Warchief, effectively ending the ballad of Boulder. But that will be a tale for a different time.

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