Tales

The Prettiest Bride

Posted on March 13, 2017

Some of my favorite stories about tabletop gaming are the not-entirely-serious ones. For example, the time we were escaping in a cart and our unconscious friend fell out because we had not bolted him down. Such are the tales that last a lifetime, and become those that are told around the (proverbial or not) campfire for ages. This is one such tale.

Our motley crew consisted of a Dwarf Warrior (me), A Half-Dragon Mage (whom I was bodyguarding for), A Half-Elf Ranger, and a Human Cleric. Nothing too wild had happened yet—only a few of our previous sessions had sharped our daggers and filled our pockets. That was when we came to the town. And this was where my character's adventure began.

The town had come under a sudden attack by a horde of Orcs and Goblins. We were bold adventurers, and thought we could handle it. Our Half-Dragon Mage decided to set fire to the approaching baddies with a fireball. He rolled very well… for the Orcs. The Half-Dragon set the town ablaze… including my character. I was able to save myself, but all of my clothes had burnt away, armor and all. Even my weapons had melted. And when I say “armor and all” I mean it. Everything had been destroyed, including my underwear.

Desperate (and naked), I managed to free myself of the situation and stumbled into a nearby building—which turned out to be the local office of the town's law enforcement. Ransacking the various containers, lockers, and so forth, I found myself some clothing: a wedding dress and veil, with train and all.

Fitting the dress on as best I could, I made my way outside, only to be surrounded by snapping, snarling, lip-licking Goblins. Things did not bode well for me. But if I was going to go out, it would be in style.

Stepping up to the closest Goblin, I punched him right in the face. I rolled a natural 20, and with my multipliers… well, the Goblin was dead. Not just dead, no, my hit was so powerful it removed his entire head from his body and sent it hurtling off some distance. This was enough to give the other Goblins pause.

I raised my fists, shifted into a boxing stance, and yelled at the little monsters, "All right! Who’s next?"

The DM paused for a moment, rolled, and then with a nod looked at me and said, "You go free. The Goblins clear a path and allow you to walk through."

With a smirk, I gathered up my train and flicked back my veil, and proceed to walk freely through the Goblin hordes.

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